When I was younger (school age), I didn’t have many dreams. There were things i thought would be neat but nothing I fully pursued. i knew i wanted to be a wife and mother more than anything. Not being in a serious relationship after high school and not having that clear direction I felt like a wanderer; not just physically but in every sense. My mind wandered, my emotions floundered, my heart was undecided. In that dizzying state I began to look for ways to help me forget my lack of focus on my future. I partied a lot, bounced from living in my car to living with friends and new acquaintances. I never felt settled in my spirit and my body followed. It was at the age of 18 I became pregnant with my daughter. “Finally”, I thought, “something to focus on; something to ground me. Someone who would love me forever no matter what.” I wasn’t to be a wife for 4 more years but I was a mother.
When I met Matthew (my husband), as we got to know one another better we talked of our current difficulties. The things in life we were trying to overcome that were constantly pushing us down. Our deep pain from life situations and trying to navigate it like you would a ship on stormy water. It can be done, but with difficulty. We formed what I considered a comradery. We were both in pain and we were both lifting each other up in prayer and encouraging one another with the word of God. Little by little as time went on we developed a fondness for one another. As time went on we began dreaming together. While his dreams and mine were vastly different, there were areas they intersected. Before you knew it we were married and while he was doing what he needed to do to fulfill his dream, I waited. Don’t get me wrong, the waiting wasn’t terrible by any means. I was able to stay home with my daughter, and then 3 boys that came along the way. I homeschooled for 10 years and while it was very difficult for various reasons, it was what I often think of as beautiful time spent with my beloved children. Precious, precious time during that waiting period that I will never have again.
Here we are today. If you have read any other parts of my blog you’ll know I have a chronic illness that will never go away. I can get treatment and it can go into remission but it will always be here. With that limitation among several others for various reasons, the dream I dreamed may never be a reality. My physical limitations coupled with a dream I made outside of myself (something that requires other people to make it a reality) have made that dream seem absolutely impossible. I know that God is a God of the impossible; I do and I’ve seen Him time after time work things out in my life and in the lives of others that only He could. Yet, recently realizing the reality that dream that may never come to pass is something I’m currently mourning deep in the depths of my soul. It’s required more searching within myself and what God would have me do with my life. I was talking to a dear friend the other day about this and what brought me to tears was telling her about this dream; how it's not just something I want but it's a godly thing. Yet may I remember that if the creator of the universe put that dream within me, He will see that it's completed. Maybe in a way that I cannot even fathom. The premise of that old dream will remain but how it is realized may now have to be vastly different or the Lord will perform a miracle. While in the midst of a resale transaction I had a gentleman tell me this next year was my year to blossom. I hold tight to his kind words as I too have had that same feeling. Never underestimate the power your words have when you encourage someone.
So, as I wait (or as my friend Nicole says, in this “waiting room”), I am asking for your prayers on direction. Prayers for healing in my heart from this loss. I know He has plans for me and I intend to live my life for Him.
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