I pushed myself 2 weeks ago. Not the kind of push to build more muscle, or the push to get through a hard circumstance. It's not the kind of determined push to make your life better; you know, the kind where you need to just stop being lazy and do it. My body was tired - not the normal tired when you're up too late. This is all consuming in every way. It's physical, it's mental, it's emotional, it's jarring. The kind of tired where you can hardly think, you're body feels like you have the flu and getting up to use the restroom or eat is hard. The kind of tired where your body tenses up for no reason and bumps into a constant mini anxiety attack for the entire day. Where you look down at your hands and notice for the past several hours you've lied there on the couch with your hands in fists because for some reason or another that's the assumed anxious position for my hands.
Air hunger is on and off today - has been for days. It's similar to when you're run hard and need to stop and catch your breath. But no running here. Just my body fighting itself today. Why? It could be the Babesia the antibiotics are trying to kill off. It could be because my last LDI shot was too much for my body to handle and it thinks it's being forced around in pinball machine style. Pushed here and there; left and right. Why would I do something that knowingly will undoubtably make me feel so off physically, mentally and emotionally? I needed to go to the store to pick up groceries for my family couple weeks ago when I was already feeling run down. I told myself I'd walk slow and enjoy my time. And I did enjoy getting out. But that left me with fewer spoons (see above photo). Then a couple days later took my boys to an event at their school. Free dinner and everyone has to eat. It's only an hour. More spoons gone, taken not just from that day but days in advance. Next a big event I in no way wanted to miss. After all I wasn't hosting or a part of it so I was sure I'd bounce back in a few days, right? Nope. Couldn't even make it till the end because my body started trembling internally, I started to get dizzy on and off and had that unsteady feeling like the solid concrete floor was moving even when it wasn't. I had to leave early. Fast forward to today - another happy time out with a friend. More spoons. I'm spent, my body is screaming for me to just stop. And I tell it, after today we can stop for a few days and renew. When I push myself, I'm not able to function at even 50% of my normal. My accomplishment today has been to allow myself to feel all these physical and mental strains. To feel the anxiety coursing through my entire body; my mind and allow it. To allow that feeling instead of pushing it down only to resurface later. To tell myself I've been here before and I've been fine some time later. Days, weeks, months but I did end up feeling better. This will not last forever. Today I'm still pushing and it's not good, but tonight will be spent with a dear friend in a joyous time of her life. If you see me out and about this evening, I will look fine to you. I'm not but I will be. Tomorrow I will rest just to push another day.
Spoon theory chart and description here.
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